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Lonely….. not my normal

I’m sitting in my local cafe staring at my laptop, drinking a coconut flat white, inspiring music playing in my headphones.  I had this idea that I could go somewhere to work on things – job applications, this website that I’m trying to set up, the Instagram where I document my weight loss.  The idea of getting dressed, going somewhere, feeling like I’m “working”, that I have something of purpose to do today.

I think it’s a good idea…..

I’m getting ideas flowing around my head non stop – my creativity feeling right on the surface right now (probs due to the tear jerking music that I’ve got in my ears at this moment ha ha).  So I’m going with it.  I’m going to try and put it into writing – raw, vulnerable, honest.  What is this that I am feeling right now? On one hand there is excitement bubbling in me.  What is happening? What does my future hold? What has God got for me? Where is my new job? When will it happen? Deep deep down in my spirit is rock solid faith, a knowing that God is in control.  It’s always there.  It fills me with joy that bubbles out and causes me to over share, talk too much ha ha, for some it’s infectious – they can’t help but come along for the ride as they feel excited for me, my weight loss is a big thing at the moment and I’d be lying to say I’m not loving it.  To others I’m probably annoying – a raver, seeming a little vain right now and self-centred.  I don’t want to be like that.  My heart and passion is for people – I want to give back, I want to connect.  

What’s this that I’m feeling…..?

In the cafe there’s a group of ladies about my age nearby having coffee and a couple of young mums next to me with their babies and I’m looking at them and wondering why I’m feeling a bit teary when it hits me – I think I’m lonely!  I’m missing the daily connection with people, my friends who were more than just workmates.  In case you didn’t know I was made redundant 3 months ago and am having NO luck getting a new job. So this feeling is loneliness.  That’s crazy right?!!  I’m one who has spent her life trying to keep up with her so many actual real friends that I have gathered so easily everywhere life has taken me.  Plus all of the above is true – I’m happy, I have faith, joy, contentment, peace.  Life is good, God is good, I have a beautiful family, home, friends, support, church etc.  How can I be lonely? This is a new feeling for me. If I’m honest, there are many times I feel like flicking the middle finger to my ex boss for taking away my job and putting me in this position.  But on the other hand this is a time of testing, growing, digging deep and feeling things I haven’t felt for a long time – or if ever. I know it’s going to all make sense one day.  But I digress…

Lonely….. 

Back to the lonely thing – it got me thinking, if I’m lonely with all of that going on how must it be for other people? Those who would have loved children but it didn’t happen for them, those who have brought up beautiful children but they never see them, those who have lost partners, those who haven’t yet had true love,  those who are sick, those who look like they are fine but are struggling inside and so many others.

I know my loneliness is temporary.  I am meeting my friend later for a walk and within 5 minutes of chin wagging my emotional tank will be full again.  I am so so blessed. And even if I wasn’t meeting my friend, God is with me all the time.  I know Him and I love Him and I can talk to Him anytime I want.  But my heart is feeling something right now – it’s sort of breaking for those who don’t feel the same way.  In case you don’t know, God is only a prayer away for all of you. But I get if you don’t feel like you want to talk to Him right now.  I pray that time will come, but in the meantime I pray that He will send someone into your life today to encourage you – if you’re at a loss, that could be me.  I don’t know who you are so please don’t hesitate in reaching out…… x

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